


Never The Twain - The Moral Majority

by Classicsitcom



Category: Never The Twain
Genre: British Comedy, Gen, Sitcom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 17:14:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18815395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Classicsitcom/pseuds/Classicsitcom
Summary: Never The Twain was a Thames Television sitcom broadcast in Great Britain between 1981 and 1991. The comic misadventures of two antique dealers - one English, one Welsh - who can't stand the sight of each other but whose shops are side by side in a small town. Complete story in one chapter. Contains language and attitudes typical of the era.





	Never The Twain - The Moral Majority

Never The Twain Thames television sitcom 1981 to 1991  
Episode title - The Moral Majority  
Starring  
Donald Sinden as Simon Peel  
Windsor Davis as Oliver Smallbridge

Contains language and attitudes typical of their era.

Simon Peel and Oliver Smallbridge - those two constantly feuding antique dealers, the former proudly English, the latter even more proudly Welsh, with their antique shops right beside each other - were well known characters in their town. Ever squabbling, ever arguing, ever trying to outdo each other in their constant quest for one-upmanship. Even the marriage of their offspring - Simon's son, David and Oliver's daughter Lynn - had done nothing to heal the rift between them, in fact making it even more of a gorge than ever.  
Even in the comfortable atmosphere of the Red Lion pub, immediately opposite the antique shops, Peel and Smallbridge simmered with resentment at each other. Peel defiantly having the roast dinner, Smallbridge, equally defiantly, the Welsh Rarebit. David and Lynn, in an effort to be impartial, had the Irish Stew and a Scotch Egg.  
"Now then," said Lynn, "David and I have told you all about what we've been up to in Canada, now why don't you tell us what you've been getting up to." David and Lynn had emigrated to Canada some time ago to enjoy married life away from their ever squabbling fathers.  
"Yes," said David "What's been going on in the world of antique dealing ?"  
"Now then, David," said Simon "Don't leave Smallbridge out of the conversation, we can discuss woodworm riddled rubbish too, can't we ?"  
"Watch it !" Said Oliver, his moustache bristling, he appealed to David and Lynn "You see, it's him. I do my best but he just keeps on..." he did a wickedly accurate impersonation of Simon - "Don't leave Smallbridge out of the conversation, blah, blah, blah."  
"You're quite right, Dad," said Lynn, "Simon is very naughty."  
Simon grinned and David continued the conversation - "Don't tell us about how you've been diddling and swindling each other to a standstill, we've heard all that before. Surely in all the time we've been away, you've done something - anything - together. Mutually... No ?"  
Simon sneered at the very idea but Oliver said -  
"Well, there was that time, you remember Simon, the chap who owns this pub."  
"Careful, Smallbridge." Said Simon, looking around guiltily "Someone might hear."  
"Well, nothing came of it." Said Oliver.  
"Only by good luck." Insisted Simon "We could have come a couple of croppers on that one." He turned to David and Lynn "We were lucky there."  
"Why ? What happened ?" Asked Lynn sitting forward in her seat.  
"Yes, come on." Said David "Don't keep us in suspenders." He added in that lamely joking style that Lynn so adored.  
"Well," said Simon "It all started when that chap over there at the bar - don't stare - the landlord here, moved in to the town."  
"His grandmother had passed away," continued Oliver "Lovely old dear she was, about 90 when she snuffed it... er, I mean, when she sadly died."  
"Yes," said Simon "Percy - that's the chap at the bar - came to take over the house but he wanted rid of his grandmother's belongings. Too old fashioned for him, he wanted the whole place stripped bare so he could refurbish the place... or ruin it in other words."  
"Tear out all the oak panelling and replace it with plastic and chrome. Breaks my heart that kind of thing." Said Oliver.  
"Well, we can certainly agree on that." Said Simon.  
"Oh, you two in agreement," said David "I didn't notice a blue moon last night, Lynn, did you ?" Lynn smiled at her husband's weak attempt at humour. It was a character trait that she really loved.  
"So," said Simon "Percy wanted the house cleared out and he came to my shop. I had obviously come highly recommended as a dealer who would give an honest opinion and a good price."  
"An honest opinion and a good price ?" Scoffed Oliver "You're right. David, it must have been a blue moon last night after all."  
"Unfortunately, Smallbridge was in the shop at the time." Continued Simon "Probably come to borrow some glue to fix the knobs on an Elizabethan television set or something."  
"I had not !" Snapped Oliver "As I remember, I came in to put you right about the label on a figurine in your window. Wrong blooming century on the label." He emphasised his point to his daughter and son in law "The wrong flaming century, would you believe."  
"It was your eyesight that was wrong, Smallbridge," insisted Simon "You mistook an '8' for a '9' !"  
"I did not," said Oliver "For a start, right .... just a minute, there's no such thing as an Elizabethan television set."  
Simon shook his head in disdain and continued where he had left off - "Smallbridge was in the shop, anyway, and he starts buttonholing Percy, trying to undercut me. You know what he's like ! Obviously I tried to undercut Smallbridge..."  
"Well obviously !" Chimed David and Lynn in perfect harmony.  
"The upshot of it is," said Oliver "This Percy bloke said that he'd heard all about us two." He pointed at Simon and himself "The famous 'feuding antique dealers' as he put it." David and Lynn laughed. "He wanted us to work together, clear out the house as quick as possible and give him a fair price."  
"A fair price !" Gasped Simon "Must you use such filthy language, Smallbridge !"  
"I apologise," said Oliver "Anyway, we accepted the offer and said we'd work together on the clearance. 'Oh that's great !' says Percy giving us a big hug."  
"He was a very... er... 'hands on' sort of a chap." Said Simon.  
"Then off he went." Said Oliver "It was Simon who first mentioned it, voiced his suspicions..."  
"It was nothing of the sort." Hissed Simon "It was you, Smallbridge."  
"It was not, it was you !"  
"It was you !"  
"Just a minute," said Lynn "Whichever one of you it was, what were your suspicions ?"  
"Well," said Oliver "Simon turned to me and said 'That fellow's one of that lot, you know, a pansy.' I was shocked."  
"Absolute rot," said Simon "You turned to me and said 'That bloke's got bum-bandit written all over him !'"  
"I never used that expression," insisted Oliver "At least, I don't remember saying it then, anyway."  
"You did." Said Simon.  
"I did not," countered Oliver, "It was you, you'd probably met that sort at boarding school."  
"That is the limit, Smallbridge !"  
"Calm down, both of you." Said Lynn, "OK, so Percy turned out to be a poof. He's only a customer, I'm sure it would never have gone beyond hugging."  
"You two probably aren't his type." Said David "Not that I'd know anything about that !" He added hastily, hugging Lynn in an overt display of his own normalness.  
"He isn't a poof at all." Said Simon quietly, "He never was. It was just Smallbridge who put the idea in my head."  
"YOU put the idea in MY head." Insisted Oliver.  
"OK, somehow, you both got the idea that he was a bit limp around the wrists." Said David diplomatically "Then what ?"  
"Well," said Simon "We went with him to have a look around the house. There were only a few items of interest, really."  
"Old stuff, but mostly junk." Said Oliver.  
"Yes, I told Smallbridge he could have that."  
Oliver continued as if Simon hadn't spoken - "Except for a dinner service, that is."  
"Yes indeed," said Simon "Lovely bit of real Wedgwood. Real quality. It was obvious that that would be the only thing in the house that we'd be fighting over."  
"You two only fighting over one thing ?" Said Lynn "You're right David, it must have been a blue moon."  
"Well,as it happens," said Oliver "We didn't really fight over it. We'd already agreed to split the whole lot 50/50 - we'd shaken hands on it."  
"Exactly," said Simon "So we took a bit of care wrapping that up and let whatsisname, Ringo clear the rest in to a lorry."  
"It was then that Percy started telling us about his business venture," said Oliver "This pub, in fact, he'd just bought it - you remember it had been empty for years before that, it was the old Woolworths shop. He said he was going to refurbish it and turn it in to a pub, restaurant, nightclub sort of place. He was planning to do all this with his 'partner' Oscar."  
"His business partner, no doubt." Said David.  
"Well, as it happens," said Oliver "Yes, his business partner, but the way he said it, well, we thought he meant something else."  
"Smallbridge thought he meant something else," said Simon "because he suddenly tells me - out of earshot of Percy, of course - that he might be planning one of those ... you know ... 'gay' clubs."  
David and Lynn laughed.  
"It wasn't me who suggested that first, Simon, it was you." Said Oliver.  
"It was nothing of the sort !"  
"You were worried about the ratable value of the shop - you said 'That kind of things alright in London but not up here.' You know how snobby he is !'  
"I'm not a snob." Insisted Simon "Am I ?"  
David and Lynn declined to comment.  
"Anyway," continued Simon "I pointed out that that lot - you know, pansies - probably had no aesthetic taste whatsoever - it could mean a sales boom for Smallbridge."  
"Now, watch it !" Growled Oliver.  
"The point is that, somehow, we were convinced that this place was going to be a 'gay' club and we decided that that wasn't the kind of thing that this town needed."  
"Before you say anything, you two, it must have been a blue moon and a red letter day combined because we were in complete agreement on that point." Said Smallbridge.  
"We just weren't too sure what to do about it." Said Simon "We considered a petition, pressing for action by the council, a mass demonstration... but eventually we decided that direct action was best. We'd burn the place down !"  
"Exactly." Said Oliver.  
David and Lynn looked aghast.  
"The obvious answer." Said David ironically.  
"Obvious to you two, of course," said Lynn "Not to normal people, not to sane people."  
"We didn't make the decision lightly, I discussed it with Banks and, you know, we're both ex army men so we decided on direct action immediately. A little bit of arson. Aunt Eleanor agreed as well. Then, next morning Smallbridge told me he'd discussed it with Mrs Sadler and Ringo and come to the same decision."  
"Not that Ringo or Mrs Sadler are ex army men of course." Sniggered Oliver.  
"No," said Simon "so it was decided - "We would strike a blow for the moral majority."  
"You two live in a fantasy world !" Said David.  
"As it happened," continued Simon "At the very moment we were planning our next move, we saw Percy across the road, at the pub. Smallbridge comes up with a plan..."  
"A great plan it was," interrupted Oliver "Percy hadn't met Ringo yet so I told him to go out, pretend to be a poof and ask when the club would be opening."  
"Unbelievable." Breathed Lynn.  
"Unbelievably good, eh ?" Continued Oliver "Ringo wasn't too keen at first but I talked him round - by promising him a kick up the backside if he refused. So he unbuttons his shirt, I stick a mother of pearl necklace on him and out he goes, camping it up like mad, you know - hand on hip, the old teapot routine..." Oliver mimed a grotesque mincing character and went on - "He shouts 'Hello big boy, when's the club opening ?" I'm not sure what was said after that but Percy said something about 'in a week or two' and drove off claiming he had an important appointment with Oscar."  
"So that was it," said Simon "only a week or two to save the town from being twinned with Sodom and Gomorrah !"  
"There was no time like the present," said Oliver "That night would be the night. We made a few last minute tweaks to our plans and arranged to meet up that evening in the Royal Oak."

...

Simon downed a large Scotch in the Royal Oak while Oliver steadied his nerves with a large brandy and soda.  
"Ready Smallbridge ?" Asked Simon.  
"As I'll ever be." Replied Oliver, "I can't think what's happened to Ringo. He was supposed to meet us here."  
"Better off without him anyway." Said Simon.  
"Right enough." Agreed Oliver.  
"We'll give him another five minutes, have another drink to calm the nerves."

Five minutes later, Simon and Oliver made their way to the High Street and slipped quietly in to Oliver's shop.  
"I've got something for you," said Oliver reaching under the counter. He held up a crumpled pair of women's tights. Simon arched an inquisitive eyebrow -  
"What am I supposed to do with those ?"  
"Well, wear them, of course."  
"Why would I want to wear a pair of women's tights ?" Asked Simon.  
"To disguise yourself."  
"Well," said Simon "I don't think anyone round here would recognise me in a pair of tights, that's true."  
"You wear them over your head, they're a disguise."  
"Smallbridge, we're not robbing a bank, we're just..."  
"Just what ?" Demanded Oliver "Arson is the word you're looking for, this is a serious matter. We can't risk being recognised."  
"Where did you get them ?"  
"They're Mrs Sadler's as it happens ... and they've been washed."  
"Are you going to wear them as well ?"  
In response, Oliver pulled a pair of tights over his head - the result was hideous.  
"You look even more ghastly than ever," said Simon, pulling a black velvet Raffles type mask from his pocket and putting it on.  
"Blimey !" Said Oliver, "It's Zorro !" He pulled off his stocking, "It's dark anyway, we won't need masks."  
"Righto," said Simon, "Have you got the petrol ready ?"  
Oliver held up a mineral water bottle filled with liquid - "Clever, eh ? Won't attract attention. We can't walk over there with a jerry can."  
Simon looked surreptitiously out of the window in the shop door - "Might as well get it over with, then."  
Oliver hesitated - "I can't understand what's happened to Ringo, I told him to be here at eleven sharp, it's ten past now."  
"Were better off without him." Said Simon opening the shop door, "Let's go."

The two roguish antique dealers walked quickly across the road and up the alley to the back of the premises. There was a high wall with an equally high wooden gate. Oliver stood on tip toe to peer over while Simon kept a wary eye on the two open ends of the alley.  
"All clear," said Oliver and heaved himself up on to the top of the wall - with some effort - quite a lot of effort, in fact - then swung his legs up so he was lying flat on top -  
"Keep a low profile climbing over a wall, don't show a silhouette - learned that in my national service."  
He slid sideways and crashed heavily in to dustbins in the yard on the other side of the wall. He moaned in pain' - "I think I've broke me leg." He gasped.  
Simon tried the handle of the wooden gate and found that it opened easily, he stepped in to the yard.  
"You needn't have bothered Smallbridge, the gate was unlocked."  
Oliver dragged himself to his feet and pushed the gate shut - it slammed, the noise seemed deafening in the shop night air.  
"For goodness sake, Smallbridge, keep the noise down." Said Simon peering over the wall in both directions.  
Oliver tried the back door - "That IS locked." He said.  
"Let me try," said Simon sliding a credit card out of his pocket and inserting it between the door and it's jamb.  
"What are you doing ?" Asked Oliver.  
"I've seen this in films," said Simon "It always works." There was a snapping sound - "It's broken !" He said.  
"Fat chance of that working !" Said Oliver dismissively, "Stand back." He shoulder charged the door and groaned in pain when it remained immovable. He rubbed his shoulder.  
"Are you all right ?" Asked Simon.  
"Of course I'm all right." Snapped Oliver "Now look, there's a window here beside the door. Maybe we can prise that up." He pushed at the top of the sash and the window slid up easily.  
"Oh, how's that, eh ?" He gloated.  
"Well done." Said Simon but their joy was short lived as the window would only open a few inches.  
"Is it stuck ?" Asked Simon.  
"No, I think there's a screwnail or something fixed in it to prevent it going any further. Stops burglars from opening them."  
"Bit sneaky." Said Simon.  
"I wonder if I can reach in and unlock or unbolt the door." Said Oliver looking through the opening in the window, "I think I can."  
He reached in with his arm, to the elbow, past the elbow, right to the bicep.  
"I still can't quite reach it." He said, then after a pause "I'm stuck !"  
"What ?"  
"I'm stuck, my flaming arm is stuck, I can't get it out."  
"Just a minute." Said Simon gripping Oliver round the waist and pulling.  
"Hoi, stop, stop you'll pull me arm off !"  
"Keep the noise down, Smallbridge." Admonished Simon.  
"I can't help it," said Oliver "Get me out of here."  
"What was that ?" Asked Simon suddenly.  
"What was what ?"  
"I heard a sound, like someone sneezing."  
Simon and Oliver listened carefully, hardly daring to breathe. Simon stepped over to the gate and looked over.  
"There's someone coming." He said.  
"Simon," said Oliver "make a run for it. I'll take the blame here, I won't mention your name."  
Simon looked at Oliver with momentary admiration - "Don't be ridiculous, Smallbridge," he said "we got in to this together, we'll get out of it together too."  
There was another sneezing sound from the alleyway and Simon reached for a wooden chair in amongst the rubbish in the yard. He stood to one side of the gate and raised the chair above his head but it fell apart as he did so. Simon looked at the remains of the chair in his hands -  
"It's rotten, look at it," he said "full of woodworm. They must have bought it in your shop." He threw the remains of the chair away just as the gate began to open and a man walked in, wearing a stocking mask over his face...  
"Ringo !" Said Oliver.  
"Hello Mr Smallbridge," said Ringo then, noticing Simon "Hello Mr Peel. Sorry I'm a bit late. I think I'm coming down with the cold."  
Simon looked up and down the alleyway then pushed the gate shut.  
"Smallbridge has got his arm stuck in the window." Said Simon pointing over.  
"Oh, that's awkward." Said Ringo.  
"Don't stand there stating the obvious !" Said Oliver "Get me out of here."  
"Easier said than done." Said Simon.  
"There's an old saw here." Said Ringo pointing to the rubbish in the yard. He bent down and picked it up. "Oh, it's a bit rusty though."  
"It's perfect." Said Oliver "Now get over here."  
Ringo looked closely but somewhat witlessly at the window frame.  
"Well, come on Ringo," said Oliver "Start sawing."  
"Are you sure, Mr Smallbridge ?" Asked Ringo.  
"Of course I'm sure, get on with it."  
Ringo placed the blade of the saw on Oliver's shoulder...  
"Not my arm, you moron, the window frame."  
"Give me that." Snapped Simon, taking the saw. He began to saw in to the window frame but the saw made a loud scraping, squeaking, noise.  
"They'll hear that a mile away." Said Oliver as Simon paused.  
"Pour some water on it." Said Ringo "Here." He opened a mineral water bottle and poured the liquid on to the blade...  
"That's not water !" Shouted Oliver "That's the petrol." By now, however the saw and Oliver's arm were covered in petrol.  
"Sorry, Mr Smallbridge." Said Ringo and he put the bottle back down on the ground.  
"Well, it's wet anyway. Get sawing." Said Oliver.  
Simon carefully worked the blade of the saw in to the window frame, sliding it slowly back and forth. After some effort, the handle gave way and the saw fell apart. Simon looked aghast. Oliver looked dejected.  
"What are you three up to ?" Said a voice.  
Simon, Oliver and Ringo looked towards the gate which was now open and saw a tall man standing with a crowbar in his hand and a stocking mask over his head.  
"Banks !" Said Simon "Thank goodness."  
"I didn't think you two would be much good at this lark." He said, surveying the scene "And I was right,wasn't I ?"  
"It's not gone entirely to plan." Said Oliver.  
"Would this help ?" Said Banks, holding out the crowbar.  
"Perfect." Said Simon and started working on the window frame. In seconds, the wood gave way and Oliver's arm was freed.  
"Oh, that's better." He said rubbing his numb limb."  
"Give me the petrol," said Simon to Ringo, "We'll just pour it in the window and get the fire started."  
"It's all gone," said Ringo holding the bottle upside down to prove the veracity of his statement "It got tipped over."  
"It's all soaked in to the ground." Said Simon, covering his nose and mouth with a handkerchief "One spark and this whole place will go up."  
"That's what we want, ain't it ?" Said Ringo.  
"Inside, you moron." Said Oliver "Not out here."  
"Why didn't you use the door ?" Asked Banks.  
"It's locked." Said Simon.  
"You can open it with a credit card. It's dead easy." Said Banks.  
"It's only easy in films, I assure you." Said Simon "Just a minute !" He gasped "Half of my credit card is still stuck in the doorjamb. It's got my name on it." He attacked the door with the crowbar.  
"Give us that, guv'nor," said Banks "I'll have it out in a jiffy."  
"Hurry up," said Oliver "We've been here hours already."  
"There it is." Said Banks, handing over the potentially incriminating piece of plastic.  
"Mr Smallbridge, there's somebody coming." Hissed Ringo from the gateway.  
"Hide !" Said Oliver.  
"Hide where ?" Said Simon looking round the small yard.  
"Nip off down the alley the other way." Said Banks.  
"There's someone coming that way as well." Said Ringo.  
"Trapped !" Said Simon.  
"It's like Cardiff Arms Park on a Saturday afternoon here !"  
The four miscreants pressed themselves against the wall as footsteps approached the gate. The handle began to turn slowly... the gate opened... and in walked Mrs Sadler and Simon's Aunt Eleanor both with stocking masks over their heads.  
"Delighted to see you ladies, " said Simon "Let's go !" All six of them fled down the alleyway.

Next morning, Simon dropped in to Oliver's shop for a visit -  
"Good morning !" He announced cheerfully, his demeanour betraying not an iota of the previous nights events. "How are you, Smallbridge ?"  
"In agony, as you ask, Simon." Said Oliver, pumping his right arm up and down "I'm still numb down one side and my arms all red with the petrol that got poured over it. An out and out fiasco that was last night."  
"Not very successful." Admitted Simon "In fact, I was wondering if... well... how do you feel about having another go next week ?"  
"Another go ?" Asked Oliver, astounded "Are you joking ?"  
"Certainly not." Said Simon "Don't forget why we were doing it in the first place, that hasn't changed. Do you want hundreds of deviants and perverts hanging around outside your shop ?"  
"Well, obviously not." Conceded Oliver "but ... Blimey ! Look ! It's the law !"  
"What ?" Said Simon turning round to look out of the shop window. Sure enough, Percy was approaching the shop with two uniformed police constables.  
"Quick, look innocent !" Said Oliver and he picked up a piece of crystal and began polishing it furiously. Simon began running his hand over the edge of a roll top bureau - "Mm, lovely bit of wood this, lovely quality."  
"I agree, Simon, one hundred percent - good morning gentlemen." Said Oliver as Percy and the police entered the shop.  
"Did you see anything suspicious last night over at my property ?" Asked Percy.  
"Suspicious ?" Asked Simon.  
"Last night ?" Asked Oliver.  
"At your property ?" Asked Simon.  
"You don't have to repeat everything I say." Snapped Percy in irritation.  
"Repeat everything you say ?" Said Simon.  
"There was an attempted break in across the road some time last night." Said one of the police constables "We just wondered if you might have seen anyone suspicious hanging around."  
"Oh no," said Simon "Oliver and I were at home, tucked up in bed at that time of night."  
"What time of night ?" Asked the second constable.  
"Whatever time of night it happened at." Snarled Oliver glowering at Simon.  
"Yes, indeed," said Simon "At home, in all night."  
The two constables looked closely at Simon and Oliver for a moment -  
"Well, we'll make some more enquiries along the rest of the street." One of them said and they both left the shop.  
"It wasn't a big deal last night, really." Said Percy "Just a bit of vandalism."  
"Oh right." Said Oliver  
"Disgraceful." Said Simon.  
"Probably some yobbo or a drunk I imagine." Said Percy... he paused - "Did you say that you were tucked up in bed last night ? Like, you know, together ?"  
"Certainly not !" Said Simon.  
"No," said Oliver "At home tucked up in bed but separate beds, separate houses in fact. Don't start that !"  
"Calm down guys," said Percy "I just thought, well, you know, that you were a couple of fairy cakes, I'm obviously mistaken."  
Simon and Oliver laughed nervously.  
"Oh here's my wife," said Percy pointing out of the shop window as a car drew up outside, "I don't think you've met her, have you ?"  
"Your wife ?" Asked Oliver in disbelief.  
"But we thought..." Began Simon "Er, we thought you were..."  
"Single." Blurted out Oliver, "That's what we thought, we thought you were single."  
"No, married a couple of years now," said Percy as a gorgeous blonde woman entered the shop and kissed him, "This is Helga."  
"Hello." Said Helga in a strong, continental accent.  
"You've met Oscar, well he's married to Helga's sister."  
"How lovely." Said Simon.  
"Keep it in the family, eh ?" Said Oliver.  
"Oh, just before we go," said Percy, "Do you want to settle up for the house clearance just now ?"  
"Yes, of course," said Simon "I'm afraid there wasn't anything of great value."  
"No, not really," said Oliver "We totalled it up to about £450 in total."  
"£450 !" Said Percy "That's more than I was expecting, most of the stuff was rubbish, I realise that, but does that include the Wedgwood dinner set ?"  
"It wasn't Wedgwood," said Simon "Just a rather poor copy."  
"Fake Wedgwood," said Oliver, "There's a lot of it about. Almost indistinguishable from the real thing."  
"Well, either it is a poor copy or it is indistinguishable from the real thing," said Helga "It cannot be both."  
"It IS indistinguishable from the real thing," said Oliver "To the untrained eye."  
"But it's obviously a poor copy to those of us in the trade."  
"Ah well," said Percy, "You're the experts. £450 is fine, thanks."  
Oliver stepped into the back shop for his money box just as Ringo came in the door.  
"Mr Smallbridge !" He called "I met your mate, Tony, he says he'll give you £1000 for that wedgwood set but not a penny more."  
"A thousand ?" Said Helga.  
"It's a different Wedgwood set." Said Simon quickly.  
"It's another one altogether," said Oliver "This one was a real beauty, not a cheap fake like yours... honestly."  
"Everyone in town warned us about you two. They said you were a pair of old swindlers !" Snarled Percy.  
"There's no need for that !" Said Simon feigning outrage.  
"Never mind all that," said Percy "You'll pay me £1450 for that house clearance, I'll bet you're still making a nice profit from it. Otherwise you can just give me everything back - including that Wedgwood... and I'll go to an honest antique dealer, if there's such a thing !"  
Oliver began counting out the money...

"Serves you both right !" Said Lynn.  
"I couldn't agree more." Said David.  
Simon and Oliver both bristled but continued eating their lunch.


End file.
